Act of desperation or the ultimate rebellion?
Feeling of utter desperation often clouds the mind. It brings a darkness over the soul that takes a stranglehold over the being so that all other possibilities seem exhausted and the body has no other path than the one that is, as to say, leading to the gallows.
But is this really what happens to the average Joe Blow Suicider? I would contend that it is not, and that though the feelings are desperate, the act is contrived and carefully executed to cause the greatest impact.
A friend of mine recently committed suicide in his garage. Why there and why then? What is the act? Is it desperation? Or is it a rebellious act against society, family, friends, company? Or is it just an expression of unbending self will?
Many see this as the act of a person that has lost all hope, but how could you lose hope? It is something that cannot be lost when you have it, and if it is gone, you only have to... I dare not say it... hope. It requires no effort. Hope is simply something you have or give up for thoughts of hopelessness.
Suicide is a depressed mind's way to get back at all. It is very little masochistic and very much sadistic.
This friend of mine has (or is it 'had'?) 2 kids and one on the way. Whom was he hurting? Surely I wouldn’t infer that he was trying to hurt the unborn baby! There is a Bible passage that says that (my version) …the greatest heroes die for those they love…
So yes, I do say that this still very young man saw his most triumphant moment in his own death. How perverted you might think this logic is, is ultimately irrelevant when you consider that he committed suicide when he was so! responsible for being the father of three kids. His congested mind needed fresh air, and he would have done well to step out and get some of that before he stepped back in and took his own life. You see, he had committed the act long before the deed and saw the end without him in it.
This was not an act of desperation – in fact, I will tell you what desperation looks like in death. A South African friend fired workers building a house for him. They later came back and murdered him. During this most terrible and vile act he dragged his head through burglar bars (this is a burglar deterrent in some countries) which tore his ears off his head - to try to get away.
So – the leisure 2 liter sedan running in a non-ventilated garage with you in the front seat dreaming before the air quality so pollutes your blood that the brain checks out simply does not qualify for desperate.
When people jump from a hundred story building because that’s the only place where there is not fire consuming them then that is desperational (a new word in the English language), but standing in the fresh air and having the sun in your face and then jumping is cold, cruel and calculating. It simply is the ultimate rebellion against those who love you or even hate you.
Selfishly you go into a peace of not knowing, when those you left behind now have your burden to carry above and beyond their own, because you simply took extended vacation from life.
Was your life hard? Well, the ones you leave behind are the heroes, because they not only carry their own mishaps and failures, but now because you’re not there, they have to deal with your share too.
What a way to make your hurt last for generations to come.
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